I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling is perfectly normal considering the effects of pornography on a relationship. Today...I am wondering, When will I ever feel pretty again? Will I ever stop questioning if my husband truly finds ME beautiful? Is he REALLY attracted to ME? Am I even pretty at ALL? I remember a time when I didn't feel AS self-concious or unsure and I wish I could find that place again...only this time, I want to emerge from this trial with a confidence I've never known. Don't get me wrong, I've always struggled with my self-esteem...that insecurity entered my life as a little girl due to sexual abuse. That can leave any girl questioning her value. Growing up, I can remember thinking I just wanted to be pretty like other girls. I always felt a little less than and battling with weight issues didn't help matters either. So now I sit here, 40 years old & 21 years a married woman, and still questioning my beauty and my worth on some days. So what's a girl to do? Within EVERY little girl & within EVERY woman, is the desire to be found beautiful. Every woman, every little girl asks herself the question, Am I beautiful? We're almost born with it. From the time we draw our first breath & before we even have the compacity to think about what beauty is, we're dressed in cute little dresses & dolled up from head to toe. We're doted on & often told what pretty little girls we are. Curls & ribbons, lace & frills. Wanting to be the princess, the prettiest girl in the room. And as we grow, we watch to see what people think of us. I think the desire to be found beautiful is a desire God put within us, however, I think He wants to be the One to answer that question for each of us. When we let God determine what beautiful is & when we allow Him to tell us what is beautiful about ourselves, it becomes an un-shakable confidence that can keep us through the questions, through heart-break, through the aging process, & even through childhood trauma. So today, I will take my questions to God & I will let Him remind me that He has made me beautiful in His sight & I will allow His opinion of me to bring healing to my heart. And eventually, He WILL settle the, Am I beautiful? question in me, once & for all.
I love what you're doing here! Good stuff :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by & reading my post & leaving your feedback. I really appreciate it (:
DeleteP.S. Jacy, I haven't been able to really sit down @ the computer over this past week but intend to stop by your blog site & read up on some of your blogs.
DeleteThis post really touched me today. I also am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have been married to a porn addict for 10 years. It really rocks your world on the self-esteem front, doesn't it?! You are right to turn to the Lord for peace. I'm wishing you strength and comfort in your journey, dear. It's hard. But you're going to the right place for help. By any chance, have you seen this site? http://www.beautyredefined.net/ I love it! And I think you will too. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHi Angel, thank you for taking the time to read my blog & for sharing with me how my blog touched you. Also, thank you for sharing a little bit of your story as well. I do agree that the porn issue in my marriage didn't help with the already low self-esteem I did have. Thanks for posting the link to that website. I've never heard of it but will check it out! God bless you as you also heal (:
ReplyDeletesomeone told me once...us women came to earth with our worth intact we didn't come here to find it.
ReplyDeleteI love this because it tells me that my worth is already a deep integral part of myself as a woman I just need to reach for it. Tap into it, let it shine.
What our men have done does not reflect on our worth. But I know personally this is hard to grasp because sometimes my mind says "his issues have nothing to do with me, my body, my personality etc." But then my heart sometimes feel quite the opposite, as if his issues have everything to do with me.
Tapping into our worth is a battle we must win.
Thank you so much for sharing. I can so relate to the battle of understanding in my head that my husband's porn addiction doesn't have anything to do with me personally but not always fully grasping that in my heart & I totally agree that it is a battle we MUST win. I love what you had to say that our "worth is already a deep intrigal part of [oursleves] as [women] & that [we] just need to reach for it & let it shine." I also love what you shared that someone had shared with you that, "we came to earth with our worth intact & that we didn't come here to find it." How true & how freeing & comforting!!! THANKS again for sharing your wonderful insight!!!
DeleteI am excited to find your blog, and I loved this post. Just yesterday during a rare quiet moment I realized with great clarity that I doubt my own worth. I didn't think I did, but I realized that some of my feelings and behaviors are the result of lacking self-worth. So this was very timely.
ReplyDeleteEat my Scabs- that's a great thought, I like it.
Jane, I'm so happy to hear that my blog was timely & thankful you took the time to share how in your quiet time that you realized your own feelings & behaviors are a result of how you've doubted your own self worth. I too have noticed that the way I see myself has MUCH to do with the way I percieve & interact with the world around me. It's quite a process to begin to overcome those negative self-thoughts...takes a lot of work (or at least I find it does for me)...to think differently.
ReplyDelete