HOW LONG?

I sit here today with one question burning on my mind. It’s a question that plagues me constantly and after 22 years of marriage you’d think I’d already have a clue-in on this one…

                               BUT I DON’T…NOT ANYMORE...AT LEAST NOT TODAY

The question that claws at the back of my mind and haunts my heart daily is this… what I NEED and WANT settled in the very fiber of my being is:

Is he sorry for choosing me?

Did I somehow disappoint him as a woman? Am I standing in his way of wanting someone better? Is there even a, “better,” when it comes to pornography and lust?

I wish I could tell you that my confidence in this area has not been severely shaken. But I can’t, it would be a LIE of seismic proportions! Long gone is the confidence that I am his beloved choice.

Deep inside, I know it’s absurd. I know this because he’s still here with me. I know  it’s ludicrous because he is fighting for our marriage by pursuing freedom and recovery from his sexual addiction to pornography.

I hate this! I hate the part of my feelings that want to shout from the rooftops:

I’m sorry you met

ME

I hate feeling like I should have been someone more. I hate feeling like I should have been HER, whoever SHE is (the image of  the woman pornography is selling).  

I don’t like feeling this way! I’m tired of competing in my heart and mind with a ghost!!! I’m tired of feeling undermined by an image…by a fantasy!!! I’m tired of feeling like I should regret our meeting one another. I’m tired of regretting he met me. I’m tired of feeling like I have to appologize for being ME… MIND YOU…he’s not the one telling me I have to be someone else. That beastly thought is in MY mind…NOT his!

How do I get away from these ugly thoughts? Will they EVER go away? Will I ever be able to settle into the comfort that I am his choice and he would choose me all over again? Will I ever be able to be satisfied knowing he chooses me every time he decides to reject using pornography or every time he decides not to take a second glance at that pretty woman walking by or every time he turns his eyes and mind away from lustful thoughts and images?

Just  a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind today. We’re still in the healing and recovery process.

But today,

it feels more like being stuck in a deep pit of muck

than it feels like a process.   

At least I can laugh a little with this...

"When life gives you mud,

make mud pies of course!"