HOW LONG?

I sit here today with one question burning on my mind. It’s a question that plagues me constantly and after 22 years of marriage you’d think I’d already have a clue-in on this one…

                               BUT I DON’T…NOT ANYMORE...AT LEAST NOT TODAY

The question that claws at the back of my mind and haunts my heart daily is this… what I NEED and WANT settled in the very fiber of my being is:

Is he sorry for choosing me?

Did I somehow disappoint him as a woman? Am I standing in his way of wanting someone better? Is there even a, “better,” when it comes to pornography and lust?

I wish I could tell you that my confidence in this area has not been severely shaken. But I can’t, it would be a LIE of seismic proportions! Long gone is the confidence that I am his beloved choice.

Deep inside, I know it’s absurd. I know this because he’s still here with me. I know  it’s ludicrous because he is fighting for our marriage by pursuing freedom and recovery from his sexual addiction to pornography.

I hate this! I hate the part of my feelings that want to shout from the rooftops:

I’m sorry you met

ME

I hate feeling like I should have been someone more. I hate feeling like I should have been HER, whoever SHE is (the image of  the woman pornography is selling).  

I don’t like feeling this way! I’m tired of competing in my heart and mind with a ghost!!! I’m tired of feeling undermined by an image…by a fantasy!!! I’m tired of feeling like I should regret our meeting one another. I’m tired of regretting he met me. I’m tired of feeling like I have to appologize for being ME… MIND YOU…he’s not the one telling me I have to be someone else. That beastly thought is in MY mind…NOT his!

How do I get away from these ugly thoughts? Will they EVER go away? Will I ever be able to settle into the comfort that I am his choice and he would choose me all over again? Will I ever be able to be satisfied knowing he chooses me every time he decides to reject using pornography or every time he decides not to take a second glance at that pretty woman walking by or every time he turns his eyes and mind away from lustful thoughts and images?

Just  a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind today. We’re still in the healing and recovery process.

But today,

it feels more like being stuck in a deep pit of muck

than it feels like a process.   

At least I can laugh a little with this...

"When life gives you mud,

make mud pies of course!"

DELIGHT

Today did not start out like I had planned but through it all, God showed me something about Himself.

This morning I found myself bound to the couch for two hours as I held my 14 year old daughter who was crying in extreme pain due to menstral cramps. Despite ibuprofen & a heating pad, the pain was so intense that she actually asked me to hold her. I can not tell you how many years it’s been since I craddled my daughter in my arms, as she is no longer a little girl. It’s been a LONG time since she has asked me to hold her & when she asked, of course I was happy to. I knew she was in serious pain. We called on as many people as we could think of to pray for her (as well as praying ourselves). For two hours Katie cried off & on and for two hours, I sat & felt helpless as she cried out in pain. She would cry & say how much it hurt. Finally, at some point, the pain suddenly subsided. Katie laid there a bit longer in my arms & then decided she felt better & she wanted something to eat & to play a video game with her brother. Just a bit ago, I was folding laundry & making our bed when I over heard Katie singing in the shower & I thought to myself how good it was to hear her happy &singing  instead of crying & in pain. It was such a sweet sound in my ears.  

Then it dawned on me how much more it must delight our Heavenly Father when our tears turn to rejoicing…how much it must sound like such a sweet relief to Him that we are no longer in pain & hurting . God’s willing to hold us close when we’re crying out in pain just like I was willing to do for Katie & where my comfort & help was limited for my Katie…God’s comfort & help is limitless to us.

Just now, Katie hugged me & said, “Thank you for holding me.”

While my heart broke for my Katie & I would not want her to experience that again, I am thankful that God was able to use that moment to show me a glimps into His heart towards us. After all, we are His children & He is our Abba Father.

This was just too precious...I had to share it.

02/02/13