To Everything There Is A Season

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to heal...a time to weep...a time to mourn...a time to speak"

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"Then I returned and considered all the oppression that is done under the sun:

And look! The tears of the oppressed, but they have no comforter--

on the side of their oppressors there is power, but they have no comforter"

Ecclesiastes 4:1

Jesus said, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you"

John 14:18 KJV

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. As a little girl I was molested by three cousins, a brother, a neighbor hood boy, a stranger in the community (who is a registered sex offender) and as a teen, by a friend's boyfriend. Growing up, I pushed all the pain down. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wanted to feel pretty like all the other little girls, but I could not feel it. I wanted to feel valuable and loved but I could not believe I was. I had no way of processing or coping with the trauma I had experienced. It was much too big of a secret for a little girl to bear alone. I had no way to deal with the pain, confusion, worthlessness, humiliation, anger, rage, guilt, shame, dirtiness, helplessness, fear, and the self-hatred I felt. I pushed the pain so far down that I became numb to my emotions regarding the abuse...I could tell my story without feeling a thing...it was as if it had happened to someone else, not ME. That's how far removed from the emotions I have been all these years. I still can't believe I'm that little girl and that what happened, happened to ME!

I had eating disorders (over eating, anorexia, and eventually, bulimia) as well as had suicidal thoughts and actually attempted suicide when I was 19 by overdosing on sleeping pills. From the time I was a little girl, I would check doors and windows at night because I never felt safe. My sense of safety was taken from me. Rather than embrace the coming of age, I felt terrified of it and had no one to talk to about what was going on inside me. I struggled with perfectionism, low self-esteem, and the fear of rejection.

I didn't tell my parents about what happened to me until I was a senior in high school (didn't tell them about my brother or some of the other abuses I experienced. However, when I finally shared I had been sexually abused, they cried because they knew something was always wrong, they just didn't know what. Sadly, in 1998 my dad passed away with Mesothieloma and in 2000 my mother passed away from a massive brain stem stroke). 

Last year, at the age of  40 I finally talked to a counselor for the first time about the sexual abuse in my past. I was NOT prepared for the Pandora's box I feel it opened inside of me. However, I am moving towards healing and wholeness with God's healing love.

It's still very hard for me to admit to myself...that I am THAT girl and that all that horror happened to me and that all the horror I felt inside was a result of being violated. It feels strange to allow myself to acknowledge that what happened to that little girl is really MY story and a part of what happened to me. It feels strange and new to give myself permission to acknowledge it, accept it, to grieve it, to feel it, to deal with it, and to heal from it.

 Little by little...I am braver. Little by little I can say it out loud:

"I was sexually abused. I didn't ask for it!

Nor did I somehow deserve it!

Nor was it MY fault!!"

For far too long, I have taken responsibility for something that wasn’t mine to take! For far too long, I've been angry and have punished myself for something I was not guilty of! For far too long, I haven't been able look that little girl in the face with love in my heart. For far too long, I haven't been able look on that little girl with compassion because I didn’t think she deserved it. For far too long, I've wanted nothing to do with that little girl! All I wanted was to disassociate from her! I ignored her pain! I ignored her cry! I ignored the injustice she suffered! I ignored she was real! I ignored her value! I silenced her! I caused her further harm!

But no more! It’s TIME for her cry to be loosed! It's TIME for her voice to be heard! It’s TIME to tell her secret! It’s TIME to declare the injustice! It’s TIME to stop blaming her! It's TIME to acknowledge the abuse! It's TIME to let go of the shame! It's TIME to confront and to forgive her abusers! TIME to forgive what’s been done to her! It’s TIME heal! It's TIME for me to love that little girl!

I am THAT girl!

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time..."
Ecclesiastes 3:11



"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart....
He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 34:1 & Psalm 147:3

"I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds"
Jeremiah 30:17