THE VAULT

The Vault

By Pamela Knowlton

Don’t merely listen to hear me…listen to KNOW me

Do not so hastily consider my words fools gold. Nor listen with such little regard, for from the treasury of my heart I open myself. Take your time listening for when I speak; you have been invited to explore a treasure chest. The sharing of my innermost self is sacred, valuable; not everyone is permitted access into my deepest chambers. Listen carefully, for my words are like precious gemstones; should you pass by them in haste, you are only robbing yourself. Linger, pondering what I’ve shared, in doing so you will discover my heart and truly know me. I AM a rare treasure; buried within my words is the riches of who I am. 

08/15/2012

Rescued

Decided to combine my thoughts with the picture from my previous post.  I not only find combining visual art with healing words and/or scripture to be a very good outlet for my creative side, I find it personal and healing.  

Immediately

I absolutely love this picture. In it I see honesty, humility, weakness, strength, trouble, help, compassion, love, truth, distress, comfort, failure, love, security, redemption, safety, trust, humanity, Divinity, companionship, readiness, concern, friendship, loyalty, turmoil, peace, fear, panic, relief and so much more. 

If I'm not careful, my thoughts can produce a raging, seemingly life-threatening storm in me. When my thoughts turn fearful and anxious, they can feel as tumultuous as the stormy seas and I can find myself being quickly drowned by them. I don't even have to leave dry ground or the boat to find myself in a tsunami sized inner storm!

I was reminded by a precious fellow woman on the journey (MAC) of the immediate comfort and peace of God when we cry out to Him in the moments when our thoughts are overwhelming. It made me think of the story of Peter. I had to see if I could find a picture of the moment when Jesus reached down and saved Peter from a life-threatening storm. You can read it for yourself in Matthew 14:22-33.

Just looking at this picture brings so much calm to me. Sometimes it helps me to visualize the nearness and readiness of God to help us. Reminds me of a promise found in Psalm 46:

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed,

and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake

with its swelling....Be still and know that I am God"

 Psalm 46:1-3, 10  

I have to say one more thing about the word, immediately. I'm a word person. I love words. I noticed something very interesting about it as I was looking at the word and reflecting on it. I noticed smack dab within the word itself, was the word, mediate.I looked up the word, mediate, in the dictionary and it means, "To intervene between...to resolve, to settle by action...to bring about peace," (American Heritage Dictionary, 2nd College Edition). I don't know about you, but I find it so comforting to know that God acts on our behalf. He stands between us and the storm. He mediates on our behalf to always settle us and even sometimes to settle the storm and bring about peace. When God brings immediate comfort and peace to our inner storms, it's as though He is saying even by His mere presence, "I am your mediator. I AM He who stands between you and this storm! Be still and KNOW that I AM God!" 

Wow!!! I am amazed....all over again!    

Thank you, MAC for reminding me that God's help is always immediate!

Wrestling The Sumo



The Sumo...that's what I've come to call the nasty self-condemning thoughts I wrestle with as a result of my husband's sexual addiction AND the wounds left from my childhood sexual abuse. Some days I have him on the mat and other times, he's got me smashed to the mat and I'm down for the count! I guess this is one of those days. Facing my own triggers when I'm out and about with my husband, is VERY hard. I know in my head that SA is not about me, my size, my looks, or even about sex really...BUT tell THAT to my heart! I need a healthy dose of reality...to give myself a reality check...to remember all the men who've cheated on or have even left slender, beautiful, young, physically fit, talented, smart, healthy, faithful, famous, rich, and even publicly idolized wives due to their sexual addictions (whether visual adultery or physical adultery)...I'm thinking of women like Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Hurley, Christie Brinkley, Tiger Wood's wife, Shania Twain; as well as the handful of beautiful women I personally know whose husbands left them with wrecked lives due to their sexual addictions and destructive choices. That reality check in mind, I wish my heart would just listen! If I could only push this fat sumo off me for good and leave this wrestling match once and for all with my head held high!     

"...Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I....

for the enemy has persecuted my soul; he has crushed

my life to the ground....cause me to hear Your lovingkindness

....deliver me, O Lord, for in You I take shelter....

in Your mercy cut off my enemies and destroy all who afflict my soul"

Psalm 142:6b & Psalm 143:3a & 8a, 9 & 12

To Everything There Is A Season

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to heal...a time to weep...a time to mourn...a time to speak"

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"Then I returned and considered all the oppression that is done under the sun:

And look! The tears of the oppressed, but they have no comforter--

on the side of their oppressors there is power, but they have no comforter"

Ecclesiastes 4:1

Jesus said, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you"

John 14:18 KJV

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. As a little girl I was molested by three cousins, a brother, a neighbor hood boy, a stranger in the community (who is a registered sex offender) and as a teen, by a friend's boyfriend. Growing up, I pushed all the pain down. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wanted to feel pretty like all the other little girls, but I could not feel it. I wanted to feel valuable and loved but I could not believe I was. I had no way of processing or coping with the trauma I had experienced. It was much too big of a secret for a little girl to bear alone. I had no way to deal with the pain, confusion, worthlessness, humiliation, anger, rage, guilt, shame, dirtiness, helplessness, fear, and the self-hatred I felt. I pushed the pain so far down that I became numb to my emotions regarding the abuse...I could tell my story without feeling a thing...it was as if it had happened to someone else, not ME. That's how far removed from the emotions I have been all these years. I still can't believe I'm that little girl and that what happened, happened to ME!

I had eating disorders (over eating, anorexia, and eventually, bulimia) as well as had suicidal thoughts and actually attempted suicide when I was 19 by overdosing on sleeping pills. From the time I was a little girl, I would check doors and windows at night because I never felt safe. My sense of safety was taken from me. Rather than embrace the coming of age, I felt terrified of it and had no one to talk to about what was going on inside me. I struggled with perfectionism, low self-esteem, and the fear of rejection.

I didn't tell my parents about what happened to me until I was a senior in high school (didn't tell them about my brother or some of the other abuses I experienced. However, when I finally shared I had been sexually abused, they cried because they knew something was always wrong, they just didn't know what. Sadly, in 1998 my dad passed away with Mesothieloma and in 2000 my mother passed away from a massive brain stem stroke). 

Last year, at the age of  40 I finally talked to a counselor for the first time about the sexual abuse in my past. I was NOT prepared for the Pandora's box I feel it opened inside of me. However, I am moving towards healing and wholeness with God's healing love.

It's still very hard for me to admit to myself...that I am THAT girl and that all that horror happened to me and that all the horror I felt inside was a result of being violated. It feels strange to allow myself to acknowledge that what happened to that little girl is really MY story and a part of what happened to me. It feels strange and new to give myself permission to acknowledge it, accept it, to grieve it, to feel it, to deal with it, and to heal from it.

 Little by little...I am braver. Little by little I can say it out loud:

"I was sexually abused. I didn't ask for it!

Nor did I somehow deserve it!

Nor was it MY fault!!"

For far too long, I have taken responsibility for something that wasn’t mine to take! For far too long, I've been angry and have punished myself for something I was not guilty of! For far too long, I haven't been able look that little girl in the face with love in my heart. For far too long, I haven't been able look on that little girl with compassion because I didn’t think she deserved it. For far too long, I've wanted nothing to do with that little girl! All I wanted was to disassociate from her! I ignored her pain! I ignored her cry! I ignored the injustice she suffered! I ignored she was real! I ignored her value! I silenced her! I caused her further harm!

But no more! It’s TIME for her cry to be loosed! It's TIME for her voice to be heard! It’s TIME to tell her secret! It’s TIME to declare the injustice! It’s TIME to stop blaming her! It's TIME to acknowledge the abuse! It's TIME to let go of the shame! It's TIME to confront and to forgive her abusers! TIME to forgive what’s been done to her! It’s TIME heal! It's TIME for me to love that little girl!

I am THAT girl!

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time..."
Ecclesiastes 3:11



"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart....
He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 34:1 & Psalm 147:3

"I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds"
Jeremiah 30:17

A Song For The Broken

Broken Girl

by Matthew West

For any girl, like me, who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse. Know there is hope and healing.

It's Okay To Cry

I have recently been doing some journaling homework in my, "Journey To Healing and Joy," workbook written by Marsha Means. This past week the chapter I worked on was on, "Losses."

In taking an inventory of the things I feel I've lost in the wake of my husband's sexual addiction, I realized I've lost some things I may have overlooked had I not been working through the workbook. Emotional connection; warmth; authenticity; tenderness to name a handful, are some of the things I might have otherwise passed over as losses in comparison to the obvious things I feel I've lost. 

I also realized I've stuffed A LOT of pain from other losses in my life, such as the deaths of my parents in 1998 and 2000 as well as stuffing the pain of childhood sexual abuse...a secret I had kept from my parents until my senior year of highschool. Telling my parents was a huge relief (they cried) but I still didn't deal with it...I remained closed off to the idea that it had even negatively impacted me (BOY WAS I BLIND)! Thankfully, during a counseling session at the place we'd been sent to for my husband's sexual addiction, in which I talked for the first time with a complete stranger about the sexual abuse in my past, I finally connected the dots between the sexual abuse and the things I've struggled with growing up that were a direct result of the sexual trauma I had experienced as a child.  

As I worked through the chapter on losses, I realized how much I had allowed other people's (un-healthy) philosophy of broken-ness, grief, and pain to influence me and at a time when tears, sadness, pain, grief and broken-ness were TOTALLY appropriate! At that time, I felt the enormous pressure to just put a smile on my face, to be quiet and trust God, rather than to grieve and feel my pain and process my losses...what a MISTAKE! It's NEVER healthy (nor is it Biblical) to stuff our emotions...it's damaging to our bodies and to our emotional, mental, and spiritual health and growth.

It is okay to cry and to grieve and to feel our pain. It's even okay to acknowledge we're sometimes broken. God created our tear ducts for a reason. Yes, He created us to smile and to laugh and to enjoy life BUT He also created us to feel deeply, to grieve, to cry and eventually...to heal...but the tears are okay...they ARE called for and they ARE appropriate and they ARE vital to our healing. 

Broken hearts, tears, questions, doubts, and pain DO NOT make God uncomfortable. On the contrary, He comes near to the broken in heart and He heals our wounds. He even collects our tears in a bottle. So our tears must have incredible value to God. I wonder what He does with all those tears? I like to imagine He does something very special with them. People sometimes grow weary with our weakness and woundedness, but God doesn't. Each tear is significant to God.  

I have a LONG list of losses and I'm going to take the time to feel each loss, to cry (if need be), to process my feelings, and allow healing to come so I can move forward inside, that way I can embrace my life with hope and joy.     

Beautiful Love Story

By Your Side

by Tenth Avenue North

My son shared this song with me. I love it and wanted to pass it on. Hope it speaks to your heart.


"THIS IS REAL love. It is not that we loved God, but that HE LOVED US and send His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins....We love Him BECAUSE He first loved us"
~ 1 John 4:10 & 19


"For you know that the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, YET FOR YOUR SAKES He became poor, THAT YOU, THROUGH His poverty might might become rich" ~ 2 Corinthians 8:9

"For He made Him who knew NO sin TO BE SIN FOR US, that we might become the righteousness of God IN Him" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21 

"BUT GOD deomonstrates HIS OWN LOVE towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us....for if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, MUCH MORE, we shall be saved by His life" ~ Romans 5:8 & 10

"For God was IN Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, no longer counting people's sins against them. This is the wonderful message He has given us to tell others"
2 Corinthians 5:19

"Let us therefore COME BOLDLY before the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to hope in time of need" ~ Hebrews 4:16


I can't think of a love more powerful, beautiful, or REAL than God's love!

Beautifully Brave

This picture is dedicated to every beautifully brave woman who is dealing with the aftermath & pain of living with a man who has a sexual addiction.

When I look at this picture, many thoughts come to mind. I want to share a few of them as it pertains to dealing with my own healing journey. The first thing that comes to mind when I look at this woman is that she is a bride. Secondly, she is alone. Her groom is no where to be seen. The next thing I see is her elegance, her softness, & her beauty & yet in her hand is a sword. She is geared for a fight...she has something to defend.

Living with a sexually addicted husband (whether it's exclusively to porn or whether he has went ouside the marriage or relationship & acted out sexually in a physical sense) it can feel like we're alone...often feeling single...yet married. We still have our elegance, beauty, & softness...every bit the woman we were when we were being pursued by the love of our lives prior to marriage...and yet it can feel as if we're fighting to keep our worth & value or to somehow get it back once sexual addiction has barged into our lives. We're often fighting against lonliness due to our husbands emotional, sexual, & physical withdrawl from the relationship. We're often fighting for, or rather longing for, deep intimacy & so we wait. We fight for truth or to know the truth of what's going on in the private world of our husbands. We fight for purity in our relationships. We fight to recapture our dignity & to retain our hope. We fight for love. We fight for marriage. We fight for family. We fight for our husbands. We fight for freedom's sake. We fight to feel like the desired brides we once were. We fight to re-ignite the passion for life we once had. We fight for peace & joy. We fight for restoration. We fight for stability & security. We fight condemnation, negativity, insecurity, insignificance, hoplessness, lonliness, rejection, despair, & we fight fear. We fight to be seen & to no longer feel invisable. We fight to feel needed & wanted in our marriages. We fight for honor & validity & to be treasured & chosen. Some of you have fought & fought hard for your dream of a restored marriage or relationship & have eventually came to the place where you realized the dream wasn't possible...even in our broken-ness & grief & with our losses...we fight on. We fight for healing. We fight for future. We fight for so much more!  

For any woman walking this road, I want to remind you that

YOU ARE BEAUTIFULLY BRAVE

Don't loose yourself on this journey. Instead, discover who you are along the way. You are stronger than you think & you are incredibly beautiful!!!



Helpful Resources for Healing

I wanted to share some excellent resources for women who are walking on the painful journey to healing from the devistating effects of our husbands' or boyfriends' sexual and/or porn addictions. Although it's not a journey we asked to take, it is a road we've found ourselves on. I want you to know you're NOT alone. Regardless if your husband or boyfriend is seeking recovery at this time, be encouraged to know that YOU can walk towards healing & you don't have to do it alone...there's a countless number of women who are willing to walk along side you. 

If you need someone to talk to, you can always email me at: rescued_heart@yahoo.com


HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR WOMEN WHO NEED SUPPORT FOR THEIR HEALING JOURNEY:
Below is just a small list of some of the helpful resources available out there to help. Most resources below are faith-based, however some of the books posted below are secular (non-faith based) & don't necessarily reflect all of my views but are never-the-less resources that can be gleaned from. I hope you'll find these resources helpful to you. With MUCH love from a rescued heart <3

Helpful Websites:
http://www.journeytohealingandjoy.com/
http://www.hopeandfreedom.com/
http://www.holyhomes.org/
http://www.purelifeministries.org/
http://www.xxxchurch.com/
http://www.pornaddicthubby.com/
http://www.safepassagescounseling.com/
http://www.newhopelawrence.com/
http://www.lifemodel.org/
http://www.kclehman.com/
http://www.thinkconfidentbeconfident.com/
http://www.erinmerryn.hcibooks.com
http://www.mrap.org or http://www.ministyri.org (This ministry is for Missionary & Pastors & their families in crisis. I highly recommend)



Helpful Books on Healing from the trauma of living w/ a Sexual Addict:
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser (I highly recommend)
Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall (I highly recommend)
I Surrender All by Clay & Renee Crosse (I highly recommend)
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope & Heal by  & Barbara Steffens, Ph.D. Marsha Means, MA (I highly recommend)
Journey to Healing & Joy Workbook by Marsha Means, MA (I highly recommend)
Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars by Marsha Means, MA (I highly recommend)
An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
Bringing The Life Model to Life: Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You (book & workbook) by Rick Koepcke, Ruth Ann Koepcke, Maribeth Poole, & E. James Wilder
(I highly recommend)


Helpful Educational Books on Understanding Sexual Addiction:
At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher (I highly recommend)
Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker (I highly recommend)


Additional Helpful Books:
The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee (I highly recommend)
The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley (I highly recommend)
So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore (I highly recommend)
When Godly People Do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore (I highly recommend)
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Think Confident, Be Confident for Teens by Marci G. Fox, Ph.D. & Leslie Sokol, Ph.D.
*NOTE: I know this book is written for teens but it was very helpful to me because it was written in a simple way...I just substituted teen senarios with adult ones. (I highly recommend)
You Are Very Special: A Biblical Guide to Self-Worth (book & workbook) by Verna Birkley (I highly recommend)
My Beautiful Broken Shell: Words of Hope to Refresh the Soul by Carol Hamblet Adams (I highly recommend)
The Velvateen Woman: Becoming Real Through God's Transforming Love by
Brenda Waggoner  (I highly recommend)

Other Helpful Information:
X3Watch is computer software program that protects your family from unwanted exposure to unsafe sites on the web.
Safe Eyes is a computer software program to protect your family from unwanted exposure to unsafe sites on the web.
Covenant Eyes is computer software program that protects your family from unwanted exposure to unsafe sites on the web.
http://www.hookersforjesus.net/ "Hookers for Jesus is faith based organization that addresses the realities of human sex trafficking, sexual violence, and exploitation linked to pornography and the sex industry"  ~ Annie Lobert. This ministry was founded by Annie Lobert, a former prostitute who has been forgiven & transformed by the saving power of God. I'm posting this because I think it helps to expose the lies of the porn industry & it helps tear down the lies we sometimes hear & believe about ourselves. 
http://www.thepinkcross.org/  "is a faith-based...public charity dedicated to....reaching out to the adult film industry offering education and resources to victims of sex trafficking and violence in the workplace. Pink Cross Foundation also reaches out to those struggling with pornography addiction offering education and large doses of truth to recover. Men and women addicted to porn need to hear it straight from the women who were there." This ministry was founded by Shelly Lubben, an ex-porn star who's radically been saved & transformed by God. She has an incredible testimony! Again, I think exposing the truth about the porn industry is SO important & hearing about it also helps in our healing.

Helpful Resources for Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse:
The Wounded Heart: Hope For Adult Victums of Childhood Sexual Abuse by
Dr. Dan B. Allender (I highly recommend)
Door of Hope: Recognizing & Resolving The Pains of Your Past by Jan Frank (I highly recommend)
Stolen Innocence Memoir by Erin Merryn (I highly recommend)
Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Journey For Women by Karen A. Duncan
The Courage to Heal Worbook by Laura Davis
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

I Wonder When

I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling is perfectly normal considering the effects of pornography on a relationship. Today...I am wondering, When will I ever feel pretty again? Will I ever stop questioning if my husband truly finds ME beautiful? Is he REALLY attracted to ME? Am I even pretty at ALL? I remember a time when I didn't feel AS self-concious or unsure and I wish I could find that place again...only this time, I want to emerge from this trial with a confidence I've never known. Don't get me wrong, I've always struggled with my self-esteem...that insecurity entered my life as a little girl due to sexual abuse. That can leave any girl questioning her value. Growing up, I can remember thinking I just wanted to be pretty like other girls. I always felt a little less than and battling with weight issues didn't help matters either. So now I sit here, 40 years old & 21 years a married woman, and still questioning my beauty and my worth on some days. So what's a girl to do? Within EVERY little girl & within EVERY woman, is the desire to be found beautiful. Every woman, every little girl asks herself the question, Am I beautiful? We're almost born with it. From the time we draw our first breath & before we even have the compacity to think about what beauty is, we're dressed in cute little dresses & dolled up from head to toe. We're doted on & often told what pretty little girls we are. Curls & ribbons, lace & frills. Wanting to be the princess, the prettiest girl in the room. And as we grow, we watch to see what people think of us. I think the desire to be found beautiful is a desire God put within us, however, I think He wants to be the One to answer that question for each of us. When we let God determine what beautiful is & when we allow Him to tell us what is beautiful about ourselves, it becomes an un-shakable confidence that can keep us through the questions, through heart-break, through the aging process, & even through childhood trauma. So today, I will take my questions to God & I will let Him remind me that He has made me beautiful in His sight & I will allow His opinion of me to bring healing to my heart. And eventually, He WILL settle the, Am I beautiful? question in me, once & for all. 

I'm on a journey

I'm on a healing journey. I'm discovering that healing isn't instant, but rather, in most cases is a process. Most of the time, we don't heal all at once and that's okay. I haven't quite figured out what makes us want to rush the process of healing, I just know we do. When someone's heart is broken, we want them to hurry and feel better. Yet we can be more understanding and patient with someone who has a broken leg or some other physical illness. I have walked with people through physical illness and not once did I ever hear the doctor impatiently say, "You've just got to heal faster! Hurry up, would ya?!" Yet we do it to ourselves and we do it to others when it comes to emotional healing. I wish we would'nt do that. God is the Great Physician. He is the patient Physician. He does not hurry our healing along, He does not get frustrated with us in the process. He lovingly stands by and tends to us as we are healing. God doesn't want to just put a bandaid on our broken hearts. He wants to be the salve...the healing balm...binding up the wounds...restoring health.  It's His desire because God IS the balm!!!

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and same such as have a contrite spirit" Psalm 34:18

"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

I don't want to rush the healing process and miss the nearness of God as it happens. God doesn't want us to miss His healing presence either.